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This blog is named after a book I began around the time I started writing it (the blog) and only completed (the book) recently. It will be published next February by UWAP. Details here. Although its parts were written relatively quickly, Isinglass as a whole took more than ten years to finish. Unusually for me. I thought I might say a little bit about why. Or rather how.

I was still working as a cab driver then; had been thinking about doing an asylum seeker book for a while; but had not found a suitable point of entry. Until, one day, sitting idly at the wheel of a vacant taxi at the bottom of Oxford Street, near Hyde Park, looking out the window, I seemed to see an unknown man coming ashore at a deserted beach; and wondered what might happen to him next. I’d visited that beach, in the lee of Dark Point, aka Little Gibber, with my sons not long before.

The first two parts (short; long) were written over the summer of 2009-10; the love affair remembered in part two really happened and Charis (not her real name) has read and (slightly) amended my version. The third part (long), was mostly drafted in Auckland, where I had a two month residency at the Michael King Centre in the autumn of 2010; but I ran out of time a few pages before the end and didn’t complete it during that stay. Another three years passed before I did: after I finished my doctorate in 2013.

I had lost or mislaid the voice in which part three is written and couldn’t find it again; stalled at the moment when Anabi is cast adrift in a boat upon the waves of the sea. It was distressing; until I realised that I might kick-start the process by attempting a free adaptation of Rimbaud’s Le Bateau Ivre. This is how I did resume; which accounts for the baroque prose-style of the final part of that section: Comme je descendais des fleuves impassibles.

The fourth part (short) came unbidden in a hotel room in the deco city of Napier where I had gone in the winter of 2014 to give a talk about the Philip Clairmont painting Erotic Couch. Peter Wells, one of my hosts on that trip, wrote to me later: Anna Kavan’s hotel. This must have been where she stayed for a period during her twenty-two month sojourn in New Zealand during World War Two. I had no idea; but do remember how the compulsion to write descended upon me there.

There was one more section to go and I didn’t know how to do it: mainly because I had convinced myself that it was to be a travel piece, based upon a long anticipated visit to the Tanimbar Islands in Maluku; and I have not (yet) made that trip. Then, one October day in 2017, for no real reason, I opened up what I thought was a blank document and found I had written, and forgotten I had written, the opening paragraph of the fifth and final section (short).

It was about coral reefs and had a doomed feeling to it. I thought something more optimistic would read better; but what? A few nights later, when I couldn’t sleep, the rest came into my mind: a vision not a dream. I remembered a beach I visited in Fiji in 1987 and the children, selling bead necklaces and seashells, I met there; a village I saw on an island during a boat trip out of Labuanbajo into the Flores Sea in 2004. I wrote it all down next morning, exactly as it now appears.

Isinglass was meant to be a sequel to my 2006 book Luca Antara. Both contain imaginary, or imagined, journeys. In the first case it was that of an unremembered Portuguese adventurer to Australian shores; in the second, the voyage this way of someone much more remote in time; so remote, indeed, that it is hard to work out when the action is happening. For this reason, perhaps, Isinglass is the more contemporary work.

image : Untitled (1989); by Dean Buchanan; oil on cavas; 53 x 30 mm




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The Souls of the Egyptians


for Mayu

The Egyptians believed that a soul (ka/ba) was made up of many parts; in addition to the body itself, known by a term which translates as the sum of the bodily parts. Another version is remains.

The god Atum created the world, using his own magic—perhaps his own sperm. Because the world was made by magic, it was imbued with magic, and so was every living thing upon it. When humans were made, that magic took the form of soul, an eternal force which resided within every human being.

Funerary texts detail the parts of the soul: physical body (ht), spiritual body (sh), name or identity (rin), double (ka), personality (ba), heart (jb), shadow (swt), power or form (shm); the combined spirits of a dead person who has successfully completed its transition to the afterlife is akh.

1. ht, physical body

The ht had to exist for the soul to have a chance of being judged by the guardians of the underworld. Therefore, it was necessary for the body to be preserved as efficiently and completely as possible; and for the burial chamber to be personalized, with paintings and statuary showing scenes and triumphs from the deceased’s life.

In the Old Kingdom, only the pharaoh was granted mummification and, thus, a chance at an eternal life. However, by the Middle Kingdom, all dead people could avail themselves of that opportunity.

Herodotus observed that grieving families were given a choice as to the type of mummification preferred: The best and most expensive kind is said to represent [Osiris], the next best is somewhat inferior and cheaper, while the third is cheapest of all.

Because the state of the body was so closely tied to the quality of life after death, there were small figurines, shabti, of servants, slaves, guards (and, in some cases pets) included in the tombs, to be with the deceased in the afterlife.

Eternal existence was by no means assured. Before a person could be judged by the gods, they had to be awakened through a series of funerary rites designed to reanimate their remains.

The main ceremony, the opening of the mouth, performed during internment, was to wake up each section of the body: brain, head, limbs, so that the spiritual body, sh, would manifest.

2. sh, spiritual body

If all the rites, ceremonies, and preservation rituals for the ẖt were observed correctly, and the deceased was found worthy of passing through, the sh, a representation of the physical body, formed.

This spiritual body was able to interact with the many entities extant in the afterlife. It was seen as an avenging spirit which could return from the underworld to seek revenge on those who had wronged it in life.

3. rin, name

A person’s name was given them at birth and the Egyptians believed that we would live as long as that name was spoken; which explains the efforts that were made to protect it and the practice of placing it in numerous writings.

The rin is a person’s identity, their experiences, their life’s worth of memories. A cartouche (magical rope) was used to surround the name and protect it. Conversely, the names of deceased enemies of the state were hacked out of monuments by way of damning their memory.

Sometimes, however, names were removed in order to make room for the insertion of the name of a successor, without having to build another monument. The greater the number of places a name was used, the greater the possibility it would survive.

4. ka, double

The ka was a concept of vital essence, which is the difference between a living and a dead person, with death occurring when the ka left the body. The Egyptians believed that Khnum created the bodies of children from clay on a potter’s wheel and then inserted them into their mothers’ bodies.

Depending on the region, they believed that Heget or Meskhenet was the creator of each person’s ka, breathing it into them at the instant of their birth as the part of their soul that made them alive. This resembles the concept of spirit in other religions.

The Egyptians believed the ka was sustained by food and drink and for this reason offerings were presented to the dead; although it was the ka within the offerings that was consumed, not the physical things.

5. ba, personality

The ba was everything that makes an individual unique. Inanimate objects could also have a ba, a character, and Old Kingdom pyramids were often called the ba of their owner.

The ba is the aspect of a person that would live after the body died, and is sometimes depicted as a human-headed bird flying out of the tomb to join with the ka in the afterlife.

In the Coffin Texts, one form of the ba that comes into existence after death is corporeal—eating, drinking and copulating.

Egyptologist Louis Vico Žabkar argued that the ba is not a part of the person but the person her or himself; unlike the soul in Greek, or late Judaic, Christian or Muslim thought.

The idea of an immaterial existence was so foreign to Egyptian thought that when Christianity spread to Egypt, they borrowed the Greek word psychē to describe the concept of soul; instead of their own term ba.

Žabkar says that so particular was the concept of the ba, it ought not to be translated but instead should be footnoted or parenthetically explained as one of the modes of existence for a person.

The ba of the deceased may be depicted participating in life outside the tomb in non-corporeal form during the day, before returning at night to the mummy.

The word baw, plural of ba, meant something similar to ‘impressiveness’, ‘power’ or ‘reputation’, particularly of a deity. When a deity intervened in human affairs, it was said that the baw of the deity were at work.

6. jb, heart

The jb was formed out of a drop of blood from the heart of the child’s mother, given at conception. It was the seat of emotion, thought, will and intention. When Egyptians said jb they meant the physical heart, not a metaphorical heart.

They made no distinction between mind and heart with regard to emotion or thought. The two were synonymous.

The heart was key to the afterlife. It was essential to surviving death in the nether world, where it gave evidence for, or against, its possessor.

Like the physical body (ẖt), the heart was a part of judgement in the afterlife and it was to be preserved and stored within the mummified body, with a scarab carefully secured to the body to prevent it from telling tales.

It was examined by Anubis and other the deities during the weighing of the heart ceremony. If the heart weighed more than the feather of Maat (Justice, Rightness), it was consumed by the monster Ammit, and extinguished.

7. šwt, shadow

A person’s shadow is always there. Because of this, Egyptians surmised that a shadow contains something of the person it represents. Through this association, statues of people and deities were sometimes referred to as shadows.

The shadow was also a figure of death, a servant of Anubis, and depicted as a small human figure painted completely black. Sometimes people (usually pharaohs) had a shadow box in their tomb in which a part of their šwt was stored.

8. sḫm, form

Little is known about the Egyptian interpretation of this portion of the soul. Many scholars define sḫm as the life-force of the soul, which exists in the afterlife, after all judgement has been passed.

sḫm is also defined in The Book of the Dead as ‘power’ and as a place within which Horus and Osiris dwell in the underworld.

9. akh, ‘magically effective one’

The akh was associated with thought, but not as an action of the mind; rather, it was intellect as living entity. The akh also played a role in the afterlife. Following the death of the ẖt (physical body), the ba and ka were reunited to reanimate the akh.

The reanimation of the akh was only possible if the proper funeral rites were executed and followed by constant offerings. The ritual was termed ‘to make a dead person into a living akh’.

It developed into a sort of ghost or roaming dead being (when the tomb was not in order any more) during later dynasties.

An akh could do either harm or good to persons still living, depending on the circumstances; causing, for example, nightmares, feelings of guilt, sickness, and so forth.

It could be invoked by prayers or letters left in the tomb’s chapel, in order to help living family members, by intervening in disputes, or making an appeal to other dead persons or deities with authority to influence things on earth for the better; and also to inflict punishments.

The separation of the akh and the unification of ka and ba were brought about after death by making the offerings and by knowing the efficacious spell; there was always the risk of dying again.

Texts in Egyptian funerary literature were intended to aid the deceased in ‘not dying a second time’ and as an aid to becoming an akh.


Ancient Egyptians believed death occurs when a person’s ka leaves the body. Ceremonies conducted by priests after death aimed to release a ba‘s attachment to the body. This allowed the ba to be united with the ka, creating an entity known as an akḫ.

Egyptians conceived of an afterlife as similar to normal physical existence – but with a difference. The model for this new existence was the journey of the Sun. At night the Sun descended into the Duat or underworld. Eventually the Sun meets the body of the mummified Osiris.

Osiris and the Sun, re-energized by each other, rise to new life for another day. For the deceased, their body and their tomb were their personal Osiris and a personal Duat. For this reason they are often addressed as ‘Osiris’.

For this to work, some sort of bodily preservation was required, to allow the ba to return during the night, and to rise to new life in the morning. The completed akḫs were also thought to re-appear as stars.

The Book of the Dead, a collection of spells to aid a person in the afterlife, had the Egyptian name of Spells for Going Forth by Day.

These spells helped people avoid the perils of the afterlife, ensuring ‘not dying a second time in the underworld’; and to ‘grant memory always’ to a person. In the Egyptian religion it was possible to die in the afterlife; and that death was permanent.

Your life happening again, without your ba being kept away from your divine corpse, with your ba being together with the akh . . . You shall emerge each day and return each evening.

 A lamp will be lit for you in the night until the sunlight shines forth on your breast. You shall be told: ‘Welcome, welcome, into this your house of the living!’

Nefertari’s Tomb|Nefertari playing Senet; Nefertari with her Ba

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Labyrinths and Pyramids


The other day I was down in my laundry – which doubles as my archive – waiting for the spin cycle to conclude on the washing machine. I recently attempted to de-clutter the clutter in there and a small cardboard carton containing diaries and notebooks had ended up at my elbow where I stood; so I picked up the top one and had a look in it. Turned out to be a notebook I kept during the first year I lived in Sydney. 1981-2. Found it quite interesting, not for any literary quality it has but as a record of things I was thinking and writing about back then. And then – after I hung the washing out – I thought I’d better see what else is in that box.

So I brought it upstairs and had a leaf through all of the twenty or so notebooks it contains. They cover a span of more than thirty years. 1970 until 2004, when I guess I started replacing hand-written records with electronic note-taking. Most are fragmentary and many don’t even get to the end. They provoked embarrassment, of course, but also a kind of incredulity – mainly because my preoccupations haven’t changed all that much over the years. I’ve been banging on about the same things for decades, evidently. But amongst them was one genuine surprise.

A small green striped hardback exercise book (which I must have bought when I was studying Maori language in Wellington in 1976 & 7), had been re-purposed as a diary that covered a few months spent in California in 1978-9. Two weeks in L.A. then three months in San Francisco; the record breaks off, for no apparent reason, at the end of the first week of January, 1979. I had forgotten the very existence of this diary; had certainly never re-read it. Also it had suffered a degree of water damage from when it was stored (probably) under someone or other’s house, causing the ink to run and making it quite difficult to decipher.

Its interest to me now is that I recently wrote a reconstruction of that period, from memory, from the memories of others, from various forms of archival research. So how did this recent version compare with what I’d written at the time? Well, what do you think? First of all, in my reconstruction, I had the chronology of what happened all wrong. I had my friends Andreas and Marsha, for instance, moving out of the Israeli’s apartment in the Mission into ours at Greenwich and Gough before Andreas’ arrest and incarceration; whereas in fact it was the other way round. I had the details of the ructions in the band wrong too. There are many other examples of the frailty of memory.

Secondly, there are all sorts of details in the diary that are missing from my recollection: bands we played with, venues we played at, parties we went to; anecdotes; people; drugs; and so forth. Thirdly, however, and most intriguingly, my recent account is probably more true to the feeling of that time than the diary is. This because the diary writing is self-conscious, full of ‘important’ reflections and ‘significant’ observations. I’m writing, laughably, for the future. Nevertheless, and this is I suppose the fourth point, these reflections and observations do still intersect with my preoccupations now. The Egyptian obsession, for instance.

Some of the entries might constitute a very loose essay on late 1970s California organised around two images, the pyramid and the labyrinth. That still seems to have some traction. Fifth it is good to know what books I was reading then: Walter Benjamin (Surrealism: The Last Snapshot of the European Intelligentsia); Louis Aragon (Paris Peasant); Guillaume Apollinaire (a bio); Ed Dorn (Hello, La Jolla); César Vallejo (Trilce) all turn up. Along with movies like Polanski’s The Tenant and the Hercule Poirot mystery Death on the Nile.

So I guess what I’ll have to do now is go back to my reconstruction and reconstruct it, correcting the chronology and adding detail, for instance of places the band played: like The Keystone in Berkeley and The Boarding House in Bush Street, SF, where they made a live recording our agents (Fat Cat) used to secure us work during the rest of the time we spent in the Bay Area. Wish I still had a copy of that tape. The lucubrations, however, I think I’ll leave to decay in the blurred, ballooning, purple and green, black and blue ink of that best-forgotten-again diary.


image: the Trans-America Pyramid, SF; Alcatraz in the distance; then Angel Island State Park

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Dialogue of a Man & His Soul


Part One 

I opened my mouth to my soul:

This is too much for me to stand today

my soul will not talk to me

It really is too much


It is as if you are abandoning me

Let not my soul go away

you should attend me

and my body with its net of tightening cords


Because on the day of pain you will not be able to flee

Look, my soul misleads me, I won’t listen to it

it drags me towards death before I am ready

casts me into the fire so as to burn


My soul be with me on the day of pain,

let it stand by my side as a true companion

My soul, too ignorant in life to assuage my pain

leading me towards death before I am ready


Sweeten the West for me

Is that so hard?

Life is a journey. Trees fall.

Tread down evil, end my misery


May Thoth judge me, who appeases the gods

May Khons defend me, he who writes truly

May Ra hear my speech, who calms the boat of the sun

May Isde defend me in the sacred hall of the West


My suffering is too heavy a burden

for me to bear

May it please the gods to relieve

my body of its secrets.


Part Two

My soul opened its mouth to me

to answer what I had said:

Are you not a man?

Are you not alive?

What do you gain by complaining

of life as if you were a rich man?


I said:

I will not go on so long

as this remains unanswered

If you run away

you will come to grief too

Every criminal will say: I seize you

Even in death, your name lives on

Yonder is the place of rest, the heart’s goal

The West is a dwelling place, a voyage.


If you my soul will listen to me

without malice

your heart in accord with me

I shall be happy

I shall reach the West like one who is in his tomb

whose burial his survivors tend.


I shall make a shelter over our corpse

so that you shall make other weary souls envious

I shall make a shelter

it will not be cold

so you shall make another soul

who is too hot, envious.


You shall drink cool clear water

from a pond over which I will make shade,

so that you shall make another soul, who hungers, envious.


But if you lead me towards death in this manner

you will not find a place in the West to rest.


Be patient, my soul, my brother

until my heir comes

who will make offerings

who will stand at the tomb on the day of burial

having prepared the bier in the graveyard.


My soul opened its mouth to me,

to answer what I had said:

If you think of burial, it is heartbreak

It is the bringing of tears, it is making a man sad

It is taking a man out of his house

so that he is left on the hillside

He will never see the sun again.


Those who build in granite

who erected halls in excellent tombs of excellent construction

—when the builders have become gods

their offering-stones are desolate

as if they were the dead

who died on the riverbank for lack of an heir.


The flood takes its toll, the sun also

The fish at the water’s edge talk to them

Listen to me

It is good for people to listen

Follow the feast day, forget worry and care.


A man ploughed his plot

He loaded his harvest into a boat

He towed the freight

As his feast day approached

he saw the darkness of the north wind rising

As the night came on, the boat foundered

with his wife and children therein

in crocodile haunted waters.


When he saw what happened

he sat down and he said:

I do not weep for that mother

for whom there is no coming forth from the West

for another time­ on earth

I weep for her unborn children

broken in the egg

who saw the face of the Crocodile

before they had lived.


A man asked for his dinner in the afternoon

His wife said: That’s for later!

He went grumbling out of the house

When he came back in

he was like someone else

His wife implored him

but he would not listen to her

He was heedless, he dishonoured the household.


Part Three

I opened my mouth to my soul

to answer what it had said:



Let my name stink

worse than the smell of bird droppings

on summer days when the sky burns


Let my name stink

worse than a catch of fish

on days when the sky burns


Let my name stink

worse than ducks smell

worse than reed beds full of water fowl


Let my name stink

worse than fishermen smell

in stagnant marsh-pools where they fish


Let my name stink

worse than crocodiles smell

worse than a muddy bank where crocodiles lie and shit


Let my name stink

worse than that of a wife

about whom lies are told to her husband


Let my name stink

worse than that of a sturdy boy

who belongs to someone who disowns him


Let my name stink

worse than a king’s town

which plots treachery behind his back.



Who shall I talk to today?

Brothers are mean

friends I once had don’t love me anymore


Who shall I talk to today?

Hearts are greedy

everyone robs his neighbour


Who shall I talk to today?

Kindness has perished

insolence assaults everyone


Who shall I talk to today?

People are content to do evil

while goodness is cast on the ground


Who shall I talk to today?

He who should enrage men with his crimes

—everyone laughs at his daring


Who shall I talk to today?

Men plunder;

they seize their neighbour’s goods


Who shall I talk to today?

The reprobate is honoured

while the brother with whom I worked is now an enemy.


Who shall I talk to today?

No one remembers the past;

no one helps the one who helped them before


Who shall I talk to today?

My fellows are evil;

one has to ask strangers for affection


Who shall I talk to today?

Faces are blank

everyone turns away


Who shall I talk to today?

Hearts are greedy;

no-one can be trusted


Who shall I talk to today?

There are no righteous men;

the land belongs to those who do wrong


Who shall I talk to today?

I have no friends;

I complain uselessly to strangers


Who shall I talk to today?

No one is happy;

the one I used to walk and talk with is gone


Who shall I talk to today?

I am burdened with grief

for lack of a friend


Who shall I talk to today?

Error is everywhere

and there is no end to it.



Death is before me today

like a sick man’s recovery

like freedom after being locked up


Death is before me today

like the fragrance of myrrh

like sitting beneath a canopy on a windy day


Death is before me today

like the fragrance of lotus

like reclining on the shore of drunkenness


Death is before me today

like a well-trodden road

or a man coming home from war


Death is before me today

like a rainy sky clearing

like a man remembering something he had forgotten


Death is before me today

like a longing for home

after years spent in slavery.



Truly, he who is yonder is the living god

punishing the criminal’s transgressions


Truly, he who is yonder will stand on the ship of the sun

and cause richness to flow into the temples


Truly, he who is yonder is a wise man

and will be heard by Ra when he speaks.


Part Four

What my soul said to me:

Now throw your complaining

on the woodpile

my comrade, my brother


Whether you offer yourself up on the brazier

whether you bear down on life

as you say you will

love me here when you have set aside the West!


But when you attain the West

when your body joins the earth

after you have become weary

I shall alight

and then we shall dwell together again!



It is finished

from beginning to end

as it was found in the writing.

adapted from a ms from the 12th Dynasty, in Ancient Egyptian Literature; vol. 1: The Old & Middle Kingdoms; ed. Miriam Lictheim; UCP, 1975
image: Min receiving the Eye of Horus, Temple of Hathor, Deir-el-Medina, near Thebes
the soul addressed is the Ba

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Another damnable book


There are people who say that the way to decide if you want to read a particular book is to scan the first paragraph and then the last. So here they are – not a book yet, just a manuscript:


It was drizzling as I came out of Baker Street Station onto Marylebone Road. Black and white movie footage, c. 1912, played in my head. Same historic city. Same hectic surge of Hansom cabs down towards the West End—though now they are 4WDs—same omnibuses and ambulances, same headlines of impending doom. The same beggars at the gate, with their ancient eyes turned pleadingly away from, or towards, an eternity of need. The fellow I asked the way to Gloucester Place attuned his reply to a register halfway between the importunate and the insubordinate: in case I should turn out to be someone. I said I was nobody; and with the equivocal grace so given went the way he pointed, west towards Westminster.


There was a blind singer who sat in the street outside the courtyard where she worked and we listened to him too. It was different and the same; instead of a loom he had beneath his fingers the strings of a lyre. An old tortoise shell sounding board, skin-covered, with seven gut strings stretched up to the cross-piece between the arms. A splintery wooden bridge that reverberated in the thrum he made as he strummed; when he picked out a melody, it made a weave with his words. It was the same thing—weft and warp, words and music. He played hard and fast and his words were chanted in a high-pitched strenuous stream that made it difficult to distinguish one from the other or parts from the whole. In time I learned the way to hear him was to listen to the lines, for the shape of the lines. What happened then is the lines entering my ears came to my mind like things entire unto themselves. The whisper of the shuttle, the hand upon the strings, the dyed threads unthreading from their spools above the loom, my mother’s singing, the voice in the street outside that court of dusty feet—all these disparate things came together in the lines. And with the lines, or really by means of the lines, the hexameters, the stories began to tell themselves. These were the old stories too: but what stories were they? Kings and queens, battles and feasts, loves and deaths. The gods and their betrayals, men and women in their fidelity and their infidelity, their grandeur and their shame, their splendour and their spite. The accidents of fate, which are not accidents at all. And the ordinary: the caring for animals, the making of cheese, the growing of crops; olive and vine and wheat; food and drink, music and dance. The natural world, all about us, like a shroud.

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From the Mars Hotel


One day in 1976 I went down to clear mailbox #214 at the Central PO in Wellington. There was a brown manila envelope in amongst the day’s takings and in it were six photographic prints – reproduced above. I wonder now what happened to those prints. Probably we had bromides done and sent them back to the artist by return post. The series was called ‘From the Mars Hotel’, which is the title of a Grateful Dead record. But perhaps the photographer, Peter Peryer, did not derive that title from listening to the album but from a graffito written upon the derelict building he photographed for #5 in the series. Anyway, we did not know who Peter Peryer was or where he came from or what he was up to – but we did publish the portfolio in the next issue of Spleen, #7, early in 1977. Each image had its own page and there was no commentary, no words. The reproductions were a bit grainy because we had had to switch printers, from the Levin Chronicle to the Wanganui Chronicle – Levin had taken offense at certain explicities in a poem/play written by Christina Beer – and Wanganui used paper that was browner, less bleached, than the whiter sheets of the Levin printers. None of this matters now, it is of historical interest only. But still. I remember how, when the decision came to be made, we all went yes, absolutely, no question, we will publish. I also remember Alan (Brunton) saying to Arthur (Baysting) that there was one really good photo in the set and which was it? Arthur said #4, the caravan; at the time I agreed but now am not so sure. I think they’re all good and #4 just sounded the paranoid 1977 chord better. Anyway, a few years later, I ran into Peter in Kings Cross in Sydney. Early 1980s. How did I know who he was? How did he know me? I was a bit forward in engaging. Perhaps I thought that, because ‘we’ had published ‘Mars Hotel’, he should therefore be ‘Grateful’? I don’t know. He was gracious and kind and before he died let me know he liked my sentences. For a prose writer there is no higher praise. There’s people you love because you love their work; but that doesn’t mean they’re loveable; or, even if they are, that they may love you back. But Peter was loving and loved and loveable in equal measure; all three; which sounds a bit Shakesperean. I keep looking at his work because of the way the images he gives you give you a way of resetting the way you already see into another way of seeing. He does that. He did that. He does that still.

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When I was in New Zealand a couple of weeks ago I recorded five scripts for radio. Each was (about) 1900 words long and I adapted them, sequentially, from a small book called Barefoot Years (2014). The same text, with sequels, appears in The Dreaming Land (2015). We recorded all five between 9.00 am and 1.00 pm on a wet Tuesday in the Wellington studios up on The Terrace. (Actually we recorded the first one twice, at the beginning and again at the end.) It was a relaxed and enjoyable session and I’m grateful to the producer, Duncan, and the engineer, Adam, for making it such a pleasure to do.

Afterwards I was talking to Duncan and he told me how he’d once been back to the house where he grew up, in Hamilton, and was struck by how much smaller it seemed than he remembered it to be. I’d written at length in Barefoot Years about our old house in Burns Street, Ohakune but, in answer to Duncan’s question, I had to say, no, I’d never been inside again, not since we left town in January 1962. So I didn’t know how that might feel. Whether it was bigger or smaller or just the same.

A couple of days later, on Thursday, I was in Ohakune and driving past the very house—as I always do on my returns to that town. There was a furniture truck backed up outside, a couple of blokes unloading, and a 4WD parked on the road. I stopped. An older man came over to see what I wanted. His name was Ken, he was from Masterton and, he told me, his son and daughter-in-law had recently bought the house and were intending to restore it ‘to original condition’. When I said I grew up here he became quite excited. He’d been back to the Deeds but still hadn’t been able to ascertain the way the house had been before alterations had been made upon it. Would I do him a favour? Would I come in and tell him how it was when I’d been here?

Well. Yes. I would. Of course. But what a strange experience. First of all, it did not seem smaller, it seemed the same size as it had been half a century before. The sitting room on the left, my old bedroom, which I shared with two of my younger sisters, on the right. Same size. Down the hallway, with the old kitchen on the left (no longer a kitchen) and the second sitting room, which we called the veranda room, on the right. You went along an outside veranda to the room, surely an add-on, where my other three sisters (two older, one younger) slept beneath windows of green, rippled, riverine glass. Still there. That veranda had been clumsily altered, closed in, so you no longer had to brave the howling winds or rain and snow when you went to bed.

The back of the house was more or less unrecognisable. The pantry off the kitchen, gone, the passage that led to the back door, gone, the wash house, gone. Ken, who was noting everything I said, was scathing—about the quality of ‘renovations’. They were, even I could see, shoddy. Someone had the bright idea of turning it into a Ski Lodge so the additions were ‘leisure spaces’ in which people could ‘hang out’. But walls did not meet ceilings and floors did not align with other floors. I can’t now remember where the replacement kitchen was—if there was one. Well, there must have been. The bathroom was still where it had always been, along a crooked passage that led to what was once our parent’s bedroom—now with a ricketty ensuite.

I’m being very matter of fact. It wasn’t until I stood in the door of the old parental bedroom that the strangeness of the situation really hit me. As a kid I rarely went into that room; and, as an adult, I felt the same interdiction descend. It was as if the intimacy they shared in there persisted. As if their ghosts, too, persisted. And with them, all of the other ghosts: my sisters, our pets, friends and relations, even the childish ghost of myself. They seemed all still to be there, massed, whispering, not malign, largely unconcerned. Going about their business in an everyday kind of way. As if the ghosts and the gone have other lives than ours. Or lives other than ours.

I knew the section had been subdivided. Out the back, where there’d been an overgrown asphalt tennis court, a car garage, the tray of a flatbed truck, many bearing fruit trees, the vegetable garden, the chook run, the berry patch, the woodshed, the coal shed, the palm shed, the tank stand and what else I’m not going to list—just a stark oblong square of green lawn with a wooden fence behind. There’s another, or perhaps two, cottages on what used to be a wild domain of long grass going down, past a macrocarpa hedge, to the Mangawhero River.

I’m not here to write an essay in nostalgia. I have the whole place, house (built 1910), garden, street and so forth intact in memory (with all its falsifications) anyway and I know it’s gone forever from the real world. This was different. This was about the persistence of presence, to coin a phrase. This was an experience of continuity that made me doubt the autocracy of time. Two things I took away may elucidate what is, in truth, ineluctable.

One is the floor: wide tongue-in-groove planks of maire or matai, of a colour that was somewhere between pink and yellow, and which, hard as it is, rose up towards me with a suggestion of home. I could still feel it beneath my bare soles when I woke up in the night and padded down the echoing hallway to my parent’s bedroom to tell them I could not sleep because I had hot feet. The other is the ceilings, especially in the sitting room and in my old bedroom: white, pressed metal perhaps or painted moulded timber. They too spoke to me: we are the sky under which you grew, they said; we are your clouds and your dreams.


image : surface of Comet 67P/Churyumov–Gerasimenko, taken by a camera on Philae, the lander module of the Rosetta probe, c. 2014



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